The Konoha Teaching Hospital
by Orange et Blue Morality
Summary: This is the story set in a weird alternate universe where half of all ninja studies medicine and biosciences and Hidden Villages compete to be the best in medicine as well as the best in offing people and subterfuge. (Hipocratic Oath? What is this Hippocratic Oath you keep talking about?)


**Author's Note:** I've uploaded this somewhere else in the internet under the username of Mistakes_and_Experiments. This is completely random. Inspired from my sister always looking so wiped after her shift at the hospital and me reading too much medical mystery cases, finishing Team Medical Dragon (really great medical thriller manga) and what bits and pieces I remember from House.

'-

 **Longer Summary:**

What if ninja technique developments followed different branches? What happens in a world where not only lethality is important, but understanding why it is lethal is just as important? And while we're working on the whys of the human body, why not leverage that and progress further on the ability to fix people? Lower mortality and morbidity rates are good at preserving the power of a Hidden Village after all. Not to mention that healing and destroying are two sides of the same coin, so why not get two for the price of one?

This is the story set in a weird world where half of all ninja studies medicine and biosciences and Hidden Villages compete to be the best in medicine as well as the best in offing people and subterfuge.

(Hipocratic Oath? What is this Hippocratic Oath you keep talking about?)

'-

* * *

 **The Konoha Teaching Hospital AU The Hospital – A Guest and a Staff**

You stood outside the main building of the sprawling hospital complex, an engineering and design marvel of granite (courtesy of Doton users) and glass. It might not be as tall as the Hokage's tower, but it certainly is one of the grandest buildings there.

This is the Konoha Teaching Hospital—also known under its full and official name, the _Hi-no-Kuni – Konohagakure no Sato Teaching Hospital_ , one of the greatest and most technologically advanced hospital in the Elemental Nations. There is an average-looking staff accompanying you to show you around and tell you all you ever wanted to ask about this village that you're about to become a more stable member of. He was still in scrubs from the operating theatre for this interview, complete with the unflattering green cap over his head.

He would like to assure you, off-the record, of course, that only Kumo's Teaching Hospital could ever equal their capability, and even if it was larger, Konoha had more _talent_ within her, what with the Hyuuga and Uchiha bloodlines. Of course the same staff would also like to tell you, in the same breath, that it's impolitic to declare that out loud—might as well challenge the other hidden villages while you're at it.

 _Just trust us—we really are the best, even if we have to share that title with Kumo_.

Why is claiming as one of the best such a political move, you wonder, when it's just about the hospital? The staff shook his head with a knowing smile. The populace might realise at a glance that yes, the power of a hidden village lies in its shinobi, and that's not wrong. But has it occurred to you why a little more than a third of the village's shinobi have expertise in at least two branch of the physical-medical specialisations? And half of them are all full iryo-nins?

That stopped your steps.

 _You didn't know that, did you? Well, now you know,_ your guide said with an amused smile. _The shinobi world right now, is not what it had been twenty years ago, and even the shinobi world twenty years ago wasn't the same as it was half a century before that_.

Well, you had nothing on iryo-nins, considering how your father was a pretty good one himself, even if you could see he wasn't 100% one, what with the number of offensive or possibly offensive ninjutsu that he knew (and really enjoyed using). If he hadn't insisted that you couldn't go further in your shinobi knowledge by enrolling you in Konoha, you wouldn't have left him at all (just like he once did, he said, years ago— _and no, it's not just a matter of knowing a lot of jutsu, but also getting to know people. Sheesh, can't you just trust your old man on this?_ ). But still, a hidden village so proud of its medical skills that it also concentrated well into it?

The staff smirked knowingly. (He had not bothered introducing himself, and after all this time talking, it now felt awkward if you had to ask him his name _now_ out of all times…)

 _Like I said, the world had changed. Medical Jutsu and innovation is the cutting edge right now. A village might have average fighting shinobi, but with excellent iryo-nins, they could weather through a war with only a small attrition rate. And where do you think their enemy village would be at, after ten years had passed?_

You know the answer to that question, of course. It was too obvious.

 _Weak_ , you answered. _Fading_.

The staff nodded, slightly surprised that you could see what he was seeing.

 _Exactly. And thus the world changed. And this is why you're here after all, right? We are part of the new generation that will finally show with undoubtable certainty Konoha's edge over all the other villages._

He wasn't yelling, per se; his voice was one that was steeped with so much politeness you suspect that even if he was offended he'd apologise first before detailing his complaint. Yet with the amount of pride in his eyes, he might as well had been shouting that at the top of his lungs, and just seeing that firsthand finally made your blood boil with excitement. Perhaps your Dad wasn't lying after all about how there are only some things you could learn in Konoha. It would be an adventure.

 _Of course! I'll be the best there is, believe it!_

You haven't really been in Konoha; not that much, not really. Yet you're quite sure that you _know_ it. Your childhood was not spent there, as you've been travelling all over the place with your father ever since you were small, since he had too many enemies after him, what with… what he is. But he's told you stories about his Hidden Village, your home, and the stories weave against each other often enough that you feel like you know the places here even before you've seen them, and your visit has only increased your love of this place you've never quite remembered before.

 _Wonderful! I'm glad to have someone like you as a kohai. Come on, let's move on inside._

So you continue your tour, with this mysterious guide of yours. He couldn't have been older than just several years from you.

Currently, the hospital is under the grand and most-awaited directorship of the fifth Hokage, the Godaime Senju Tsunade (no matter how far in the world she ran away, her heart found her way to the village and the village managed to send someone to tug at her heart strings—or was it her purse strings?) The post of the Director of the Hospital has always been held by the Hokage since it was small and first set up by the Third—by now, no one bothered to change it.

You've met her on one of your father's travels. In fact, it was your father who dragged Tsunade all the way back to Konoha, though his presence wasn't noted in the story's retelling. It didn't worry you since your family was used to laying low. You just hoped that she didn't hold a grudge against you for that.

'-

* * *

 **The Hospital Cafeteria – Shikamaru, Neji and Tenten**

"Naruto is loud, hyperactive, wears too much orange and boisterous. And oh, have I mentioned loud?" For all the flatness of his tone, there was a deadpan edge to it as he ignored his teammate's disagreement. "I believe it is necessary to account that flaw twice, Tenten. He is, quite simply, that _loud_. He said he's from Konoha, but I'm certain there is no way anyone like him could hide in the village through all these years. "

Neji Hyuuga was complaining three tables over to his genin teammate in the rather empty hospital cafeteria, at 2AM, while Shikamaru pretended that he hadn't heard that and could still continue to doze with his head on the desk.

Tenten laughed. "Oh come on! He couldn't be that bad! Kakashi-sensei dumped that hyperventilating patient on him in ER today, and his first reflex was _not_ just to slam an oxygen mask on the poor Chuunin's face. He ran through all the tests he should have first."

"He did not _run_ ; he _bounced_ through the tests like an orange squirrel on _caffeine_. I have a headache just from watching him. The blond idiot could have screwed up something working at that speed."

Shikamaru groaned and lifted his head from the table, his gaze percollating back to the now cold cup of coffee in front of him. He drank it in one go without a second thought. It was the caffeine that counted. Not to mention that when one got used to the taste of ration bars, anything else was genuine _food_. He decided to forgo further attempts at rest as he picked himself up. Might as well just get back to his ward. He wandered closer to Neji and Tenten's table first, though, just to get better intel.

"Who's this blond idiot that you're talking about?" He asked. Neji looked up at him.

"He's not an idiot," Tenten replied, before turning back to Neji. "He's just… hyper. And he spotted that poisoning case before _you_ did with your Byakugan."

"It was a four second difference." Neji said, voice level.

" _Still_. Faster, there. He _smelled_ it first." Tenten cut in with a wide grin on her face. Shikamaru pretended he didn't see the abrupt blanking of the Hyuuga's expressions, keeping his gaze firmly on Tenten. Anyone else might have thought that Neji was merely lost in thought. He knew better. _Somebody who shook Neji up? Now_ this _is definitely interesting_.

Shikamaru's left eyebrow quirked upwards at that. "Smelled it, you say?"

Neji cut in. "There is no way that protein breakdown in the blood is even palpable—"

"What was the case?" Shikamaru asked. "Was it one of Hatake's?"

Everyone knew what a terror the resident diagnostic genius, Jōnin and iryo-nin Hatake Kakashi was. For all his happy-go-lucky way and easy smiles (if that single visible eye of his could be said as being capable of smiling), he never gave them the easy cases. It was never _just_ chakra exhaustion. _That one wasn't poisoning through senbon, or weren't you paying attention?_ You better not have aswered _lupus_ for that last case, or he would dissect the stupidity of your answer the next time everyone gathers in class. For everyone's _edification_ with the same happy-go-lucky relish he reserves for his, ahem, erotica collection.

Mortifying does not even begin to cover it.

"Yes," Neji said.

Tenten glanced at her teammate, and with one hand beside her mouth, theatrically replied to Shikamaru.

"It was _prions_."

"And how often does a case like that surface, exactly?" Neji said, unamused. In a way, he was right—how often do you deal with rabid zombie proteins, anyway?

"The fact that it was a _Hatake_ case should've been clue enough, wasn't it?" Tenten threw back.

Neji gave her a cool, flat glare. Unfortunately for him, it only worked for people that didn't really know him that well. Tenten held her smirk. The two of them were back to their stand-off-stare-off. Shikamaru thanked them for their information, and walked away, ignoring the rest of their interaction. He had heard of a new boy getting transferred in a few days ago, one Uzumaki Naruto ( _unusual clan name,_ he had mused, and as far as he remembered, wasn't there a slaughter of sorts twenty-ish years ago?). He was quite sure their kekkei genkai was stamina and endurance.

He had thought that it was highly irregular path to take for someone who hadn't even gone to the Ninja Academy beforehand (straight to the hospital? _Really?_ ) But Shikamaru was at the end of his 36 hour shift, practically one of the walking dead at that point, and he was damned if he was about to spend it on the hospital just to satisfy his curiosity. He needed his sleep, _dammit_ , and he can legitimately argue that it's a critical necessity for one still at a growing age. He had collected all the research papers he needed to prove it and even wild horses couldn't drag him away from his bed.

Now, though, he couldn't keep Tenten's words out of his head.

 _Huh. The new kid smelled it now, did he?_ He knew Kiba had a highly developed sense of smell too, but even when he could spot the chemical changes far before other people could, he kept guessing the possible sources _wrong_. The Inuzuka definitely hadn't read enough, but if he hadn't caught on about what exactly he needed to do to pass even the basics of his medical education, Shikamaru wasn't going to be the person to point _that_ out to him. Kiba would misunderstand and thought Shika was lording over his intellect over him—he was already tetchy whenever Shino did that, and Shino _was_ in his genin team; there was no telling how he'd react to a mere year mate.

 _Uzumaki Naruto, eh?_

Maybe that was why he was accepted easily on the medical track even without coming from the Ninja academy. Perhaps he had some sense-enhancement bloodline limit from his non-Uzumaki parent? Hmm. _Well, well_. Life at the Konoha hospital was about to get _interesting_.

'-

* * *

 **Higher Ninja Academy – Sakura**

"Congratulations, everyone. Here are your team assignments from now and onwards for everyone that had passed the Higher Ninja Academy." Iruka-sensei said.

Sakura Haruno couldn't keep a smile away from her face.

After Ninja Academy and three years of Life Sciences along with more shinobi training (also known as, Genin Pre-Med), there came the possibility of entering the Medical Academy. It didn't used to be for everyone, but things changed after Tsunade-sama overhauled the ninja education system and its curriculum. Now, even if it didn't take all of them, this path is especially true for many of her peers. For Sakura it was even more inevitable, what with the strength of her grade for her written tests and chakra control.

Then Iruka-sensei dropped the bomb on who her teammates are. The pink-haired nin had to repeat the words to herself because she could barely believe it.

"Sakura, Sasuke and Sai," she said, before turning to her sometime-friend and sometime-rival. "Sakura, _Sasuke_ and _Sai_. Did you hear that Ino-pig? Did you?"

Her other hand, though, freely pumped up a fist in the air. "We'd be the best, Shannaro!"

"What?! That's impossible!" Ino, of course, started on one of her tirades, and Sakura was glad she was far, far away from her. She could even see Iruka-sensei wince at her friend's volume. "You couldn't have been that lucky, Forehead!"

"Blah, blah, blah, whatever Ino-pig," she said easily. "Not in the mood to hear your heart breaking right now."

Ino said something unrepeatable under her breath, while Sakura only grinned wider.

She couldn't blame Ino, of course. Not when she herself was having a Cheshire cat grin on her face, slowly making her way to her two dark-haired teammates. She was in Team 7, with Sai and Sasuke.

 _She was in frickin' Team 7!_

Sakura had always fancied the cool and distant Sasuke, and as eye-candy went, Sai was nothing to sneer at even if he was a little too-good at avoiding his fans. Unlike Sasuke, and had always managed to find a quite corner anywhere in the Ninja Academy, sometimes on tree branches or ledges. He was as untouchable an ephemereal as a watercolour. She could imagine herself posing for a painting with her two teammates at her sides, in a traditional kimono, and anyone seeing it wouldn't ever believe that the people in them were actually _real_ instead of being a figment of a fantasy (as for herself, she was reasonable enough to know that most people would have no problem considering pink hair as imaginary, rather than herself being any great beauty). She had two of the best-looking boys of her year, in her team. She was lucky and she knew it.

"Don't have any ideas about Sasuke, Forehead!" Ino yelled, when Sakura sat smugly between Sai and Sasuke.

Sakura settled for giving her a shrug and an innocent look. It was one that had always gotten her out of trouble in the Academy, except when it was Iruka-sensei who caught her. Predictably, Ino wasn't buying it. But it didn't matter, of course. She was here, and neither Sasuke nor Sai objected much to her because she wasn't an obnoxious fangirl, at the end of the day—she drew the line at letting her crush destroy her dreams to be a great shinobi, after all. She was still competent enough in a team, and from their experience working with her in class she was also sure that the two boys knew that.

"Let's work together, everyone!" Sakura said with enthusiasm. Sai and Sasuke somehow stared at her strangely for a while, before they spoke up at almost the same time.

"This changes nothing," Sasuke said. "I can pass alone."

"So you're a freak _and_ ugly. Huh. Never knew that."

Sakura deflated a little, before glaring at a nonplussed Sai. "Would you mind just using my _name_?"

He raised his eyebrows slightly. "But you _are_ ugly."

A fist to his shoulders shut him up for a bit (hey, she gave him a chance to back off politely and he didn't take _that_ ), and she went on, refusing to allow Sai to bring her mood down. She knew he was a bit weird—everyone in their year knew. Fortunately, she had ample time to immunize herself against him before being set up in one team. Who knew how it would turn out otherwise?

"So, meet you guys at the mission office tomorrow at eight?" She asked.

Sai stared at her for several seconds—she wasn't sure what that was about—before he walked away. She decided to just take that as a yes and punt him if he didn't come without a good reason. Sasuke did look at her strangely, but only shrugged in that noncommittal way of his before walking away. _Well, this would work_ , she had thought.

Of course, she should have known it was too good to be true. Even with the Medical academy, they still had missions in between, though the Jōnin leading them were always rotated, depending on who was available at that time since they had to balance that with their time practising medicine in the hospital. The same arrangement was true for other teams as well, after all.

This was when the truth started to come to light. Half a year with them, and she was at the end of her rope.

'-

* * *

 **Truth and Other Minor Inconveniences – Sakura**

Her team sucked. _Really_.

She would never admit it to Ino even under pain of death, but she would _totally_ choose Shikamaru and Chōji to work with rather than Sai and Sasuke. After five months had passed, she did so twice when they were in class; She partnered with Shikamaru in Public Health 202 rather than Sasuke, to the surprise of the sleepy-looking Nara, with Chōji instead of Sai in Pathology. She even managed to partner with Shino once or twice in Bio. It turns out that they got along fine once she said that she had nothing on bugs, but could he _please_ help keep them off her because her phobic reflex would be to swat them? _Thank you_. He helpfully gave her a vial of distilled insect hormones to repel them, or something, its scent not even noticeable to her human olfactory organ.

She was only too grateful for it and he seemed oddly more relaxed around her as well after that. It turns out that most people had never even asked for Shino's help on that matter and just go on a bug-killing spree.

Which is a stupid thing to do when you're next to an insect-user.

Still, she can't bring herself to face the bugs too often, so it was usually Shikamaru or Chōji, and maybe Hinata sometimes. Sakura guessed it seemed like a blessing in disguise for Ino, who would gladly take her position with any of the other members of Team 7, but Sakura merely felt that _she_ was the lucky one here. She could appreciate how nice Chōji was who never held anything outside her control against her, now, and how easygoing and laidback Shikamaru was. Hinata had no qualms on Sakura occasionally (and sheepishly) partnering herself for groups or paired assignments either.

Sakura had even bragged about how she could deign to be generous to the other girls in their year, because at the end of the day, _she_ was the one who was going to go on missions with them. That got her a lot of the evil eye from the girls in their class, but she was too glad to care. She did this just to ensure that people were still envying her and hopefully too blinded in their desire to get close to either Sai or Sasuke; so much that no one was looking too closely at her preference for _not_ working with her teammembers more than necessary. Right now Sakura just hoped her teammates hadn't scared away Ino yet. Then again, Sai and Sasuke was polite, if chilly, in an academic setting, where they can conveniently pretend that the other doesn't exist and merely focus on their respective tasks.

So far Ino was still none the wiser, especially with the buffer of adoration she had, and Sakura's flimsy excuse of wanting to ensure that her excellent grades stayed perfect by teaming up with anyone-else-but-her-teammates for more than half the classes she shared with them stood unexamined.

Well, apart from the occasional measuring glance by Shikamaru, but she could handle it by pretending she didn't see anything.

Once when the fangirls were unusually rabid, Sasuke and Sai ended up stuck in a partnership with each other in Infectious Disease. When it was their turn to present their case study in front of the class, the class were treated into a glimpse of how her dysfunctional team usually worked:

"Uchiha-san will provide an overview of the worms contributing to the distinct physical changes of Lymphatic filiarisis. I am sure the nematodes are not difficult to recognise. They are as inelligible as his handwriting and as slender as my colleague's form."

Yes, he was calling Sasuke too _thin_ to be a good ninja. No, Sakura was not surprised.

She would bet that there were many held breaths at that. Sasuke barely even blinked at it—of course, if he reacted, he would hardly be cool—and merely segued into his explanation. They tossed explanations back and forth between them several times so smoothly that others began to relax. The class, though confused, pretended they didn't notice it. That was, until Sasuke was explaining lymphoedema.

"As the nematodes compromised the lymphatic system, irregular fluid retention results. The symptoms are swelling in the extremities, restricted range of motion as well as the discomfort associated with it. Fibrosis, the thickening and hardening of the skin, is not difficult to spot. In fact, if you would pay attention to my thick-skinned colleague here, I'm sure you'd have a good idea of how it looks like."

Several people blinked, not quite sure about what they heard as Sasuke cooly moved on. Of course, Sai wasn't one to take that sort of thing lying down. Soon, the insults creeped up. There was one in every paragraph and the class watched them with the focus of one following the volleys in a ninja tennis match. Even sensei was too amused to interrupt them—it wasn't as if they were screwing up the factual side of their presentation either.

Sakura only yawned while she took notes.

People might think they were argumentative _then_ , but that was _already_ polite. Trust her, she knew. The only reason why Sai hadn't started calling Sasuke 'Limp Dick' and Sasuke hadn't insinuated that Sai was just 'a failed human experiment' was mainly because their grades hung in the balance of their cooperation.

To her right, Sakura could almost see the lightbulb lighting up above Shikamaru. He gave her a wry glance. She blushed, caught in the middle of her charade. She just hoped he didn't think she was using him, or anything, because her excuse wasn't anything sinister, but she didn't know how to say it.

' _Well, we usually get the highest grades in class when we team up together, don't we?_ ' Sounded really manipulative, while ' _Sorry I used you as a human shield from my teammates_ ' was just as dickish.

She did enjoy his company. It was why she gave him a nervous, apologetic smile right then and hoped he caught it.

It was the 'I really, really don't want to deal with them right now, _please_ ' sort of smile.

Shikamaru observed her for two more seconds before he ducked a little, scratching the back of his head.

"So… your teammates…" It wasn't really a question, but he was still a lot more relaxed than she expected him to be, instead of annoyed at her. Sakura took that as a good sign, and yet she couldn't help the long, miserable sigh that escaped her mouth.

"Yes," she said, with mock pride, "my _teammates_."

There was the slightest quirk of his lips at that as he continued. "My condolences." He said.

She blinked, unsure as to how to parse that. It wasn't hard to hear that he really meant it.

"Aa… thanks. I think?"

"You're welcome." He shrugged, going back to their cell cultures under the microscope, and Sakura resumed her work after a confused moment passed. And that was that.

Some time later and in a different class, out of curiosity and a growing friendship with the Nara heir, she asked Shikamaru if he wanted to swap partners with her.

"Who's your partner?" He asked, hands in his pockets.

"Sasuke—"

"Over my dead body."

Sakura couldn't help it; she laughed. The lazy Nara shinobi smirked back as she regained her breath and tried a different tack. "Hey, I noticed your biochem grades are falling back. Working on a project with him might be the break you need because I'm _sure_ you'd both come up with something great."

"Nu-uh, not a poison specialist and I never intended to specialise in the basic sciences branch either. I'll live."

Sakura raised her eyebrows. "And you'd manage that by partnering with _Ami_ , really, Shika? _Ami?_ "

He sighed and glanced upwards. She knew she got him there. He was late to class on one of the few days when _no one_ in their sane mind would be late—the day they form project partnerships. His defence was his bad luck for having the graveyard shift the night before. One of these days, Sakura would drag him or his clan members to the sleep lab and figure out what's with their higher-than-usual sleep need.

"Why don't we just partner up? You're better than Sasuke in this class," Shikamaru said under half-lidded eyes. She folded her arms.

"And you think Sasuke is going to let me throw him to the wolves?"

Recognition hit him and Shika snapped his fingers "Oh, she's _that_ Ami! I _knew_ she looked familiar. Ami's one of the more rabid Uchiha fangirls, isn't she?"

Sakura's look only said _'duh_ '. He was undeterred.

"What if I tell you that it could be done?"

" _Really?_ "

He nodded. Under his laid-back gaze, she could see his sharp mind working double time on it. "Make a point of talking about how you happen to partner with Sasuke for this project within Ami's hearing. Say that it was such a shame your partnered with him in this class than any other because Sasuke's available studying schedule clashes with yours and you don't know how to manage it. Say that you were thinking of changing partners, but…"

"I can't very well talk to myself." Sakura commented.

"Talk to Lee. He'd listen to anything you say."

Sakura cringed at that. She was quite aware of his crush on her and, well, there was only so much Rock Lee and Mighty Guy that one can stomach in one day before one goes blind from the bling. And weirdness.

"He'd offer himself as a partner!"

"Ask him about who his partner is because he couldn't be without one after more than a week in. Say that you can't _possibly_ let Lee break his promise to be that person's partner—you won't let him do anything dishonourable for you." Shikamaru replied just as quickly.

She observed him carefully for a second or two. She could see where it lead: Ami's greed would do the rest of the work for her and she'd be tempted to offer Sakura a deal. Sakura would in fact get exactly what she wanted and she might still be able to get a favour or two from Ami that way, because the other girl wouldn't even be aware how much Sakura wanted out herself. It was ingenious.

"Wow, you've put a lot of thought into this, Shika."

He didn't meet her gaze and waved it away. "Nah, I did it just now. It always helps to have a handle on everyone's personality, though, and that's what I used."

 _Personality_ , he said, and what she actually heard in her mind was _levers_. Everyone have their levers, and any good shinobi would take note on anything approaching it. A Nara just took note of more things than most and their habit of analysing everything was bordering on OCD. Even among the Nara, Shikamaru was a genius. A smile grew on her face.

"Yeah, but you rarely put this much effort into most things."

He shrugged, as if it was obvious, but she didn't say anything else until an explanation was forthcoming. That overcome his natural laziness, though he did give her an annoyed glare.

"Just recalculated my odds. If I partnered with Ami, there's a significant chance my grades would crash enough that I'd need to retake the class. That would be too troublesome."

"Your grades would certainly _not crash_ if you partnered with _Sasuke_. He's a perfectionist." She pointed out.

"And my odds are much better with you than him." She stared him down. Shikamaru sighed. "And yes, he's going to be a real drag too, with ideas about how to do the project _his_ way, in the direction _he_ liked most. Face it, Sakura, do you actually want to be in a group with _Ami_ compared to me?"

"Thinking too highly of yourself, aren't you?"

He smirked. "Nah, I just know that I'm neither the devil or the deep blue sea. It's up to you, Sakura, but I'm telling you now that I don't want to partner with Sasuke either."

There was no question as to what she did after that. She ran with it. She managed to feign reluctance and dilemma and finagled Ami to trade two shifts in the hospital with her when it was inconvenient. The downside was that Lee was even more impressed at how _youthful_ she was to intently preserve his honour and now he was crushing on her even _more_ (something she didn't even think was possible). She made sure she never sat anywhere close to Sasuke for the rest of the class, but it didn't stop him from booby-trapping her locker for two whole weeks (she really should remember that he had a vengeful streak a mile wide). The second week wasn't so bad because she had the idea of dragging Shikamaru to always check them/spring the traps with his Kagemane—his skill set was very much suited to fine work than hers (most of the jutsus she knew would just destroy her locker outright). He didn't complain half as much as she expected but she was sure he was aware it was partly his _fault_.

Unlike that new guy Naruto, the Nara shinobi certainly wasn't dense. Seriously, she didn't know why Ino would rather be in the same group with Sasuke or Sai. Shikamaru was just as smart as Sasuke, if not smarter (just lazier). All of the intellect needed to provide an interesting discussion and feedback to her work with none of the emotional baggage and issues.

And yes, with judicious balancing of partners, her grade in many classes were perfect! Well, asymptotically approaching perfection, but that's splitting hairs. It was a particular pleasure of hers to note that at the times the Ino partnered with Sasuke and Sai, they didn't managed to turn in something that was as good as what she turned in with Shikamaru and Chōji.

Ha! That would teach the boys from underestimating her. _Better off alone, huh?_ _They could do it as well without her?_ Every time she worked in a different team from them was a good opportunity to remind the team 7 boys that not everyone held the same high standards of performance that they did, just because Sakura happened to. It was always a good thing to note how Sai and Sasuke had thawed enough towards her because of that, and when she partnered with them again after several months, they can grudgingly admit that not many people had her work ethic—regardless of her personal appreciation for Sasuke and Sai's good looks (hey, she was a red-blooded woman, dammit! _Of course_ she stared at them).

She had never really told anyone what was going on in her team because she was almost certain nobody would believe her. Most girls would just think that she was trying to drive away the competition for the boys, so it was really easier to just play to their expectations. She tried not to think about how the reality was like, because it was only going to drive her _spare_.

It goes like this. No matter how similar Sai and Sasuke looked (strangers have mistook them for brothers several times already, even on missions, to the annoyance of the two of them), Sakura had to finally admit out loud that their teamwork was simply, unfortunately, _atrocious_ … and she was being polite there. Somehow either worked just fine if either was working in tandem with her, but add the third member and everything went to hell faster than a handbasket of brimstone and C4. If she was in a bad mood she would frankly agree that they were downright _suicidal_. And all they ever had was scouting/regular patrol missions at that time! She didn't want to imagine how her team was going to survive any mission of a higher rank…

…then again, maybe that was _exactly_ the reason why they've rarely had higher level missions. She groaned in despair. That reminded her. There were times when Sakura was never quite sure whether her teammates were trying to take each other out or the opposition (all they've encountered so far are bandits, mostly, and the occasional nukenin or two. Still…).

It was thus just another of their regular missions between the classes and practice of medical academy when everything fell apart.

Her body was still aching after she hurriedly healed the worst of her ambush-related injuries, the boys in the sleeping bags to her left and right. Leaving them to sleep next to each other was a recipe for disaster, so her sleeping bag almost always ended up in the middle—and yes, she knew how gutterrific it sounds, as most people are stealth perverts (she had enough hooting from Anko-sensei, she really didn't need more). Right now, she just wanted to sleep and _forget_ things, but the boys hadn't stopped passing the blame back and forth as to whose fault exactly was it that Sakura got the worst wounds, or that their ambush fell apart at the seams. She pulled the covers up over her ears, but it didn't help. She had a pounding headache from a mild concussion she had earlier and their voices wasn't helping.

It wasn't until the pain, the ache and tiredness shrivelled whatever remained of her crush on Sasuke and erased the last vestiges of consideration that there was anything beautifulabout Sai that Sakura's mood turned definitely, completely _horrific_.

The Boys. Would. Not. Stop. ARGUING.

"ENOUGH!"

Sakura sat up immediately and banged their heads together. Sai and Sasuke were staring at her strangely. She glared daggers at them right back. Just when it seemed they were about to argue again, she took stood up and gotten a hold of the end of Sasuke and Sai's sleeping bag, and _dragged_.

"What are you _doing_?" Sasuke asked. It was less of a question and closer to a demand, but she ignored him.

"You're having a breakdown." Sai concluded after staring. "Would you like to talk about it? About how you're breaking under pressure?"

She pulled them out of the tent without a pause. Thank Kami for chakra enhanced muscles.

"No. _You_ both are being _JACKASSES!_ " Sakura yelled down at them. "I don't bloody _CARE_ who started what, but until you _BABIES_ could start sharing _TOYS_ and work together like a proper team, you're both sleeping outside. _Both of you_. I don't CARE if we still have a week to Konoha. I'm not sharing a tent with IDIOT SHOWOFFS."

They were Not. Sleeping. In. The Tent. _Ever_.

Then she kicked the tree nearest to her, uprooting it from the sheer amount of force channeled. She glared at them both, challenging them to disagree. Fortunately for them, they had enough sense of self-preservation. Neither said a word. Not even when Kakashi-sensei slipped from the tree. The jōnin didn't stop laughing even after he fell from the branch he was sitting on, though he ceased trying to even keep it quite. He was practically _howling_ at a disgruntled Sasuke and a slightly miffed Sai (his expressions might still be hard to read, but Sakura was getting better at that). She huffed, but somehow couldn't get mad at Kakashi—he was only leading them for this mission, but she had noticed earlier from the amount of tics that he had, that he was starting to get quite fed-up with the two of them as well.

Though remembering how that particular sensei was at the Hospital, she wondered if her boys knew how lucky they were that it was her patience that ran out first before his.

'-

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* * *

 **Author's Note:** In case anybody missed it, yes, Kakashi is more or less in a similar post to House. Yes, he is also just as much of a jerkass. I also happened to enjoy crushing Sakura's rose-tinted view on Sasuke (yes, I am evil that way).

Yep, that's it. No other bits and pieces from this world comes to mind right now. I'm open to anyone throwing ideas at me, though.

'-


End file.
